The Fanfiction Testament
by Araloth the Random
Summary: *MEFA 2010 nominee!* And from the LoTR Obsessants proceedeth the Fanfiction writers. But not all were true to Canon, and thus there was much flaming and strife among them. And Legolas spake unto the fangirls. . .
1. Chapter 1

**The Fanfiction Testament**

_And from the LoTR Obsessants proceedeth the Fanfiction writers. But not all were true to Canon, and thus there was much flaming and strife among them. And Legolas spake unto the fangirls. . ._

Just a bit of silliness dedicated to Tolkien freaks everywhere! It's sort of a mixture of Bible verse and Silmarillion verse as well. I'm not out to offend anyone in this – remember, it's all in fun. Enjoy!

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The Gospel According to Araloth

In the beginning, there was the Great Professor, Tolkien the Mighty, Lord of Oxford. And this man took unto himself the great task of writing the holy Trilogy, and presented it to the masses. And the multitudes taking up the Trilogy wondered much and held it in reverence – of these cometh the Obsessants, who rejoice in the writings of the Great Professor and in the perving on of Elves and Men.

And the Trilogy was not destined to remain in Book form forever, for Jackson took upon himself the Making of the Movies. And he said unto the Obsessants, "Therefore I say 'Ëa'! Let these things Be!" And the Obsessants rejoiced.

These Obsessants were not all of one mind, being in different groups one from another – the Book Geeks, and the Movie Lovers, and the Elvish Nerds; these are chief among them. And each group conflicts one with the other, for The Book Geeks believe themselves to be superior in knowledge, for they were fans before ever the Movies of Jackson came into Being. And the Movie Lovers hold the Book Geeks in disdain as pompous nerds. And the Elvish Nerds do hold themselves in the right, for they are learned in the Lore of the Great Professor and doth speak in tongues (Yet the Book Geeks believe that the Elvish Nerds err, for the Lord of Oxford once spake unto the people, saying, 'Thou shalt not attempt to learn Elvish, for thy pronunciation and grammar driveth me round the bend.').

But verily a further division there was, so that there was a group apart from the rest, who have a share in the knowledge of all three. These are they who form the Fanfiction Writers, and who in writing profess their faith in the holy Trilogy, and rejoice in the perving on of Elves and Men in more eloquent fashion. And for long they were content.

But amid the Fanfiction Writers there are those who in their willfulness rebel against the Canon of the Trilogy. And they refuse thereby the good teachings of Concrit, and in thus refusing are badly flamed. Therefore there was a great dissent concerning canon amongst the Writers.

For the Canon Nazis and the Purists declared war upon the Legolas!fans, saying that in the Sacred Appendices there is no account of Legolas ever falling in love with teenage females, and therefore there is slim chance now. And the Suethors, ever so numerous, joined the Legolas!fans in saying that it is perfectly just for those of mortal race, and teenagers beside, to hit upon the Elves. Whereupon the Alliance of Purists took up a mace whereby to smite their opponents, and the Alliance of Leggie took up their Pointy-Heeled Pink Shoes of Peril against them.

But the Slashers defied them all, denying platonic relationship and casting Canon to the fiery chasm. So there was strife among the Writers, and ever shall be, even to the Great End. For between those who are true to canon and those who doth chuck it into the Everlasting Trash Pile there can be no compromise.

And there was yet more strife among the Writers, for possession of the Elf of Great Hotness – for some did yet desire him in secret, seeking to wrest him from the more open Legolas!fans and Suethors.

But in these matters the Fellowship was consulted not, and highly pissed were they at being thus excluded, especially Legolas Greenleaf, over whom this War raged fierce. For the fics of the Writers concerned oft the Elf of Great Hotness, and displeased was he at the lack of originality.

"What shall I do?" asked Legolas of his friend the Ranger of Unwashed Glory. Who in his wisdom responded,

"Maybe thou shouldst have a chat to the multitudes, and dispel their false ideas." For the squeeing multitudes were greatly deceived by the false illusion that Legolas being hot and single wast up for grabs. The Elf of Great Hotness sought to drive out the wicked inclinations of the fangirls, but lo! when he went forth upon the Mountain to speak, the masses cried out joyfully and drowned out his words. And therefore he nearly lost his temper.

Therefore the Wizard Who Hath Used Bleach came unto the mount and bade them shut up, laying a great quiet on the masses. And Legolas regaining his composure saith unto the multitudes,

"Blessed are they who do not squee. For what doth it profit an Elf if thou dost squee at him all day, and never give him a moment's rest from thy shrieks?

Blessed are they who maketh use of good spelling and grammar, for these are the makings of a good story.

Blessed are they who write creative stories with original plotlines, for they shall receive reviews.

"Woe to those who stampede in their madness, for they shall be bruised.

"For I say unto you – the greatest commandment is this: Love the works of the Mighty Tolkien, and hold ye in esteem his respect for platonic love between hobbits, and between Elf and Ranger, and between Elf and Elf."

But many turned from the path of truth, and did not heed the words of the Elf of Great Hotness.

And the Wise among the Writers say that the Great Professor turneth in his grave, and that his spirit doth bang its head against the Gates of Heaven in frustration.

**That, my friends, is what happens when you're badly in need of a break from school! I hope you all enjoyed – if so, leave a review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Fanfiction Testament**

Wow, I really did not expect so many readers and reviews! Thanks, guys! I hope I remembered to reply to you all. Thank you to Elflingimp for the advice. Just for the record, I can squee sometimes too – except I tend to fangirl Caranthir Son of Feanor. *gets weird looks* What?

Anyways, I do hopest that ye enjoy this next instalment! This one is dedicated to AmatorLinguae.

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Continuation of the Gospel According to Araloth

And yea, it has been told unto ye, that the sermon given on the mount was no profit unto many of the Writers, even though 'twas Leggie who spake unto the multitudes. This is because although the Elf of Great Hotness doth hold the great respect of the multitudes, said multitudes wert too busy eyeing him off or his friend, the Ranger of Unwashed Glory, to listen much. And so the Master of Rivendell and the Eyebrows of DOOM didst have go at having a chat to the multitudes. And the Elrond!fangirls didst sigheth and swooneth in joy at his presence, yet his eyebrows shotteth up and scareth the Udun out of everyone so that the multitudes were silent. Which includeth the Fangirls. And behold, he saith:

"Brethren, be ye not a squeeing gaggle of fangirls who doth take delight in the torture of sensitive Elven hearing. Be ye not stalkers of the Greenleaf, for it doth affect him rather badly psychologically – and besides that, there hath been issued a Restraining Order, whereupon thou shalt not come within a three-metre radius of the Elf of Great Hotness, or Thranduil shall sic a Spider upon thee."

And there was a voice amid the crowd (whose name was Araloth) who did say:

"Yea, wise Lord Elrond, I agreeth with thy teachings! But I ask unto thee, is it okay to hit upon the First Age dudes?" And under her breath she didst allow herself a brief squee, even though Caranthir doth sit in the Halls of Mandos, and Glorfindel didst look a little green at her implications.

But Elrond in his wisdom didst glare at Araloth and didst wiggle his Eyebrows of Doom in a scary manner, and her gob she didst keep shut. And he saith unto the Writers, being thus allowed to continue:

"Be thou not quick to turn Denethor into a sadistic psychopath with anger-management issues, as doth apply to Thranduil (though I must sayeth unto ye, brethren, that the idea of siccing upon ye a Spider who will no doubt rip thine eyes out and feast on thy spleens for attempting to violate his son is a trifle sadistic). Desire ye not to portray Faramir as an abused emo who dost listen to My Chemical Romance and loveth to play with knives when he is off-duty. Strive for political correctness in all things." And he didst cough conspicuously in Araloth's direction after this last sentence. Then he turned towards the Suethors, and saith:

"One canst never fall to the earth from great heights (such as the sky) without receiving grave injuries. Therefore if thine OC falleth into Middle-Earth with nary a scratch, there art something severely wrong. And therefore, my brothers and sisters in Tolkien, do not allow thine OC to be perfection, or narcissism, itself; and let not Legolas be traumatised by the experience, nor thy readers.

"For it would be better for thy readers to hang millstones about their necks and be drowned in the depths of the sea, than to have their eyes bleed and braincells deplete when they cometh across thy monstrosities.

"Love is patient and kind; therefore desire not to toss thy readers into the Fires of Mount Doom for not reviewing.

"And I say unto you, that Legolas doth not go for mortal teenagers, for he is far older than ye. Just because he be pleasant on the eyes doth not mean he is a deviant. Come not thou near him, from this day forth, in thy pride. For they that exalt themselves shall be humbled, and they that humbleth themselves shall be exalted."

And a voice from one of the Elrond!fangirls came from the crowd, and cried out,

"Blessed art thine eyebrows, for they are totally hot!"

And Elrond turned towards her (and scared the living daylights out of her thereof using said eyebrows), and saith,

"Nay, rather blessed art they that hear the Word, and keep it."

And many went away enlightened by the wisdom that Elrond spake that day. But there were also many who didst ignore it, and they plotteth ever to get their hands on the Elf of Great Hotness. And so the Suethors and their kinsfolk didst join in alliance to find him, restraining orders be Valadarned, unbeknownst to the Fellowship, and against the will of the Lord of the Mighty Eyebrows. Yet the Purists and the Conservative Tolkien Canon Preservationists (for I doth strive to be politically correct in all things) didst suspect something and unite, lest no good come of it.

And it so befell that Mandos came unto Tolkien, and finding him banging his head against the gates of heaven wondered greatly. And this Ainu spoke unto the Lord of Oxford, saying:

"Why dost thou bang thy head against the gates of heaven?"

And Tolkien answered, saying:

"The Fanfiction Writers are at it again." But the Vala knew that something else did trouble the Great Professor, and said:

"Yet I do sense that thou fearest something greater." And Tolkien didst reply:

"Yes, for some fool named Araloth is mangling Silmarillion and Bible verse." And Mandos was for a moment silent in thought. And Tolkien watching his contemplation saith unto him:

"What is it, Lord?" And Mandos responded,

"Scoot thou over, I'm joining thee."

**Yes, I know that Mandos wasn't in heaven because he was one of the Guardians of Arda, but I thought it might be fun to put him in there anyway. As it turns out, I have absolutely no idea where this is going. So if you have things that you want me to include in the next instalment of the Gospel, then please feel free to tell me. Thank you very much for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Fanfiction Testament**

Back by popular demand! Thankyous and chocolate muffins to everyone who read and reviewed, as you all inspired me to write another chapter. :)

There's a lot of random Silm-based parody and not much that makes sense. Still, I hope you can forgive my shortcomings and enjoy!

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Of the New Commandments and the Fangirl Cult

Yet despite the wise words of The Master of the Eyebrows of DOOM and the Elf of Great Hotness it was inevitable that some would still stray from the path of salvation. And yea, Elrond the Healer and Master of Rivendell became in effect a psychologist for the mentally wounded Peoples of Middle-Earth as well as many divers authors of fanfiction who didst need someone to complain to.

And Aragorn came weeping to Elrond, and saith:

'Lord, I doth feel depressed and angsty of late. And whenever I doth venture out of Rivendell I am constantly attacked by orcs, accidentally shot by mindless Elves, chased by trolls and stampeded by Oliphaunts."

Elrond then responded, saying: "The Writers doth do this, not I. Go in peace."

It is said among the Wise that the Fangirl Cult began with the releasing of the Great Movie, and that elements of the Cult infiltrated the literature of the Fanfiction Writers. The Fangirl Cult was not limited only to the pursuit of the Elf of Great Hotness, but also to the Ranger of Unwashed Glory, the Hobbits of Innovative Mischief-Making, the Gondorian Tamer of Feisty Shield-Maidens – and lo! there were even Gimli-ites, who didst dedicate themselves to representing the cause of the Dwarves. Yet by far were the Leggites the largest group.

Yet they remained not united, for they wert divided into factions, and each in secret planned themselves to attain possession of the Elf of Great Hotness.

And it chanced one day that some of the more Leggie-oriented Suethors didst plot behind the backs of the other Leggites despite the bond of alliance between them. And the Suethors gathering didst say amongst themselves,

"To what end must we obey the word of the Lord of the Mighty Eyebrows of Doom? It is no profit unto us, for it keepeth us away from the Elf of Great Hotness."

And othersome more bold didst say,

"Let us therefore pursue the Elf, for neither restraining orders nor the leagues of hell will keep us from our quarry." (Though their words were to this effect, yet in truth they sounded more like, 'SQUEE! LEGGIE!11!9!')

And therefore they ran into Middle-Earth, and Legolas was hard put to it to escape the machinations of Suethors and Sues alike.

And he saith in desperation unto Elrond: "I am pursued relentlessly by Females of Sickening Flawlessness and my father hath sudden abusive fits. My life doth suck most righteously."

And Elrond answering saith: "This is the work of the Writers, Son of Thranduil. Yet be thankful that thou dost not become stampeded by Mumakil as Aragorn doth."

And Legolas answered: "But instead I am stampeded by mad fangirls."

And yea, they who call themselves the Neglected Ones protested, for they had not been included in the Movies of Jackson. And in this time there was formed The League of Under-Represented Characters. And they were Lindir of the Un-famed Voice, Galdor The One Who Asketh Too Many Questions At The Council, Tom Bombadil (Tom Bom, Jolly Tom), Erestor the Random Rivendell Guy (and truly he is loth of this title) Glorfindel the REAL owner of Asfaloth, and Cirdan The Uniquely Bearded.

And they came unto Elrond and saith unto him, "Lord, our rights have been infringed upon and we doth demand equal representation."

And Elrond rolling his eyes spoke nothing unto them, being mightily stressed out.

And the Hobbit of Culinary Talents came unto Elrond, saying: "Lord, the slash is becoming unbearable – Rosie doth want a separation and Frodo is suffering mental complications."

And lo, Lord Elrond looked out to the courtyard where the multitudes were gathered, concerned for the mental welfare of their idols, and Elrond brought out many divers psychologically affected characters marred by fanfiction. And he cried out with a loud voice, saying:

"Are you not entertained?"

And the multitudes were silent. So Elrond going forth gave the New Writing Commandments unto the multitudes, for until now there had been none.

_Thou shalt not torture Aragorn or Legolas to the point of death only to resurrect them again for more torture and the fulfilment of sadistic whims._

_Thou shalt not drive Legolas unto the brink of mental instability._

_Thou shalt not neglect characters of seemingly minor importance, for thou shalt be sued by the League of Under-Represented Characters._

_Characters shall not emerge from thy stories traumatised_.

_Thou shalt address no one in Middle-Earth with incessant giggling, numerous punctuation marks or text speak, for it is odious in the sight of the Lord, and all rational beings beside._

_Thou shalt read the Books of the Lord before thou writest anything – all-night movie marathons doth not count as research._

_Thou shalt avoid with all thy mind and heart Mar y Sues and the evil they emit._

_Thou shalt remember that the Fellowship doth consist of Nine, and Nine only, and Nine Walkers there were, and Nine Walkers there ever shall be, Amen._

_Above all, forgive harsh reviews, love one another. In a strictly platonic sense._

And even Tolkien the Lord of Oxford was mightily pleased.

**Ha – betcha I tested your LoTR knowledge in that one! Anyone even know Galdor existed? ;) I had to read through 'The Council of Elrond' to find someone a lot of people usually forget (myself included). And Cirdan I think is the only Elf to have ever had a beard. 'Othersome' is a word – it's from a Bible passage. Thanks for reading! If you liked it – or didn't – please leave a comment!**


	4. Chapter 4

**The Fanfiction Testament**

Zaza: Is it even possible for your brain to grin? Heh, maybe it is and I just didn't know it. ;)

Eileen: Thanks! Hope you continue to enjoy. :)

sylphxpression: Aye, the Lord spare us from badly-written self-inserts indeed!

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The League of Under-Represented Characters is looking to raise money for its continuance. If you would like to support the League, please inform the President of the society, Gildor Inglorion of Forgotten Origin.

Oh, and Figwit does not fall under the mighty protection of the League of Under-Represented Characters, because this League was established for neglected book characters only. Apologies to Figwit fans!

Thank you all very much for reading and reviewing! Reviews usually motivate me to update faster. That, and the fact that I have a cold *sniffle* so I've had the time to write another chapter. Lots of random misquotations of the Bible! So, without further ado, please enjoy!

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From The Book of Randomness, Chapter Whatever

Oh, how blessed is the one who doth write using correct grammar and spelling! For what doth it profit a man/woman (yea, political correctness) if their story is of epic proportions, yet they cannot spell to save their lives? Or what doth it profit a man/woman if their story maketh no sense whatsoever, due to a sad lack of grammar?

For if I have not grammar, I have nothing. If thy fellow readers canst not glean anything intelligent from thy writings, thou shalt be flamed.

And if thou look'st on the Elf of Great Hotness (the Mis-Represented One, or any of the Under-Represented Ones), and thine eye scandalise thee, pluck it out. For it is better for thee to write fanfiction half-blind than half-witted.

Remember thou the words of Elrond the Lord of Imladris: "Not all they that cry, 'Ada, Father,' are entitled to join the Fellowship."

Now a Holy War doth rage in the fandom, between Fans of the Nine and Fans of the Ten, between Concritters and Flamers, between Leggites and Glorfindelites, between Those Who Can Spell and Those Who Can't.

Now the Purists and Conservative Tolkien Canon Preservationists are at variance with the Suethors, a division of the Leggites. For verily, in their ignorance the Suethors thinketh that Legolas doth not mind being relentlessly pursued by the mindless female multitudes. Yet the Purists saith unto them, "Think thou not that Legolas is a deviant who liketh teenage females! For nowhere in the Sacred Appendices does it say that he doth this."

But the Suethors heedeth them not. And the Suethors are mainly of the Movie Lovers, but othersome are from the Book Geeks, and othersome know nothing of either.

And there are the Slashers, for the Purists and Canon Preservationists maintain that looking feminine doth not purport bizarre slashy relationships, and many Suethors desire the Elf of Great Hotness for themselves, being unwilling to give him up to Aragorn, or Haldir, or Gimli.

A badly-written slash fic is like unto a blunt pencil – it hath no point of which to speak. Besides which, it may afflict thy readers with an issue of blood from the eyes. Brethren, I exhort you to aim for tastefulness in all things.

A badly-written Suefic is like unto a man/woman who upon reading doth want to rend his/her garb and seek psychiatric help. If thou must entertain pervy desires, perv eloquently. For that is what the Fanfiction Writers strive for, squeeing with eloquence.

Now Elrond seeing this saith unto the Writers, "Fine, thou canst squee, but not so loudly that the Fellowship and thy readers must get hearing aids after the experience."

And Thranduil, the King of Mirkwood, did proclaim unto the multitudes that Legolas wouldst now be under the mighty protection of the Spiders. Who, spake Thranduil, wouldst accordingly devour any fangirl who in her insolence didst take it upon herself to violate the Restraining Order.

And Legolas rejoiced, saying: "Now I shall no longer have an entourage of mad fangirls who doth follow me even unto the toilet!"

And Elrond, raising one Eyebrow of Doom, didst allow himself a slight grin before saying: "Yea, but thou hast forgotten that now thou hast an entourage of Spiders." And Legolas wept.

Yet the rest of the Fellowship was content, even when the Writers do stray from the Path of Truth, for each was issued with a Spider, and the fangirls stayed away, and Middle-Earth was restored to relative peace and calm.

Or so they wished.

Wherefore I say unto you: Despair not, for hope is kindled – for the Writers, and even for the Lord of Oxford, who may at last be able to rest in peace.

And Mandos did lift his head up in hope, and saith unto Tolkien, his head-bashing buddy: "Hear ye this? Thou shalt rest in peace, with no more to trouble me or thee."

And Tolkien rolleth his eyes and saith, "Yeah, right."

**The End**

***Winces* I think I might have to finish it there - hey! *ducks flying copy of The Silmarillion* Unless I get a sudden inspiration, of course. *ducks random missiles***

**I am eternally grateful to everyone who has read this and reviewed. Thank you to everyone who has given me ideas or simply left a comment – I really appreciate it!**

**Questions? Comments? Insults? Please leave a review!**


	5. The Epilogue

**The Fanfiction Testament**

Replies to anonymous reviewers!

me: Thanks – I'm glad that you're enjoying it. Oh dear, I hope I didn't go too far with the Biblical style! It certainly wasn't my intention to come across as poking fun at the Bible! I was just poking fun at the LotR fandom's shortcomings. As one of my friends here on FFN told me, this fic is like turning the light on and saying, "Let there be light!" I hope it continues to remain as harmless. Thank you so much for your review. :)

belinda: Thanks! Great to know that you're enjoying!

Tindomerel: I'm. . .flattered! It's nice to know that there's at least one other person out there who prefers to squee at First Age hotties. Not that the hotties of the Third Age are less squee-able, but you know what I mean. =D

Emily: Good Lord, don't throw Harry Potter books at me! Having The Silmarillion thrown at me is bad enough! Well, I hope that you won't be disappointed this time when you see that I actually _have_ updated. Thanks for all your reviews! And thank you for your support of the League of Under-Represented Characters – Gildor Inglorion of Forgotten Origin thanks you from the bottom of his heart and offers to send you one of his League members covered in a dessert topping of your choice. Your choice of League member. ;)

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The epilogue, written on popular demand once again! I've reverted back to quasi-Silm-verse again – I can't help it, the Tolkien nerd in me won't shut up. Thank you all so much for your reviews. :) Enjoy the epilogue!

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The Very Last Chapter – Or the Epilogue

Of the fate of the Fellowship in fandom, there are many tales. Yet after the orders of Elrond and Thranduil, these things came to pass:

The Multitudes of Squeeing Fangirls did take to heart the words of Elrond, Master of Rivendell and the Eyebrows of DOOM, that they might squee to their hearts' content so long as the Fellowship had no need of hearing aids in after times. And so they learnt to squee quietly over the years, though with no less intensity.

And the Ranger of Unwashed Glory learnt yet to repel his own fan entourage – yea, by ensuring that Arwen remained by his side always, so that the Sues didst refrain from glomping him on sight. And soon he was allowed to venture even out of Rivendell, without fear of being attacked by Orcs of Randomness, Elves of Pretty Faces But No Control Over Their Weapons, Trolls of Surprising Audacity To Take Up Residence Near Rivendell – yea, as time passed, even the Beasts Who Didst Resemble Large Elephants did no longer stampede Aragorn as soon as he set foot outside his door.

"Vengeance is mine," saith the Lord Thranduil. And he didst keep his promise to his son the Elf of Great Hotness, and being determined to protect his son's sanity, he sent his entourage of Spiders to follow him unto every place to guard him. For once when a Sue durst to violate the Restraining Order, then lo! a Spider from the Elf's new bodyguard leapt forward, and devoured it. And from that day forward, no woman durst ask him anything further (for by asking, I mean, "Leggie!12! You love me, right???!!121!9! SQUEEEEEEEE!!).

The Hobbit of Culinary Talents and The Hobbit of Cute Angstiness remained the best of friends, and Rosie didst not continue threatening divorce. For anyone who hath read the Sacred Appendices knoweth this, that they had a great multitude of kids, and certainly did not divorce.

And the League of Under-Represented Characters' existence continueth, for the love and support of the readers. And Glorfindel the REAL Owner of Asfaloth with great joy obtained exclusive rights to ownership of his horse; thereby he ensureth to this day that Arwen doth not steal his horse to rescue the Hobbit of Cute Angstiness. And yea, even Erestor the Random Rivendell Guy found that he did have fangirls after all, for foolishly didst he parade around Rivendell in his boxers one day, to the ruin of all.

And it is said among the Wise that Tolkien's abdominal muscles are well-developed, for all the turning in his grave that he must have done at the expense of this Testament.

And there were many other things that were done also, that have not been recorded in this lowly fic, but these things that I have related have been related unto ye, in order that ye may know and believe.

. . .

_At the very end was found this note, written as if in haste:_

And behold! Elrond had the New Writing Commandments of the Writers inscribed upon a wall for everyone to see who walketh past. "Let it be a reminder to ye," he saith, "to make certain that thy fics do not violate these Commandments that I have given unto ye."

Yet the members of the Fangirl Cult being over-zealous didst hold their own Council of the Fangirls. For they each sought to possess their own Idols, and believed not that Elrond's Writing Commandments adequately protected this Fundamental Belief. And returning to the wall they scratched a new Commandment below the others, that readeth thus:

Thou shalt not glomp thy neighbour's Elf.

**Alas, for this is truly the end! Thank you all for reading, and especially to those of you who have left reviews. Your support has been overwhelming and much appreciated – without you this would have only stopped at the first chapter. :)**

**Liked it? Hated it? Have any more books you'd like to throw at me? :P If you have a comment, don't hesitate to review! Thanks again for reading!**


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